The Believers

I woke up knowing the day would be an “unproductive” day. I put the word in quotation marks because I think what can be perceived as unproductive may actually be just another step in the right direction. But by conventional terms, I knew I would have very few quantifiable tasks completed by the end of the day.

I had been through the process enough times to spot the signs. I had also desperately tried to fight it numerous times. I had failed each time and now knew that when these days come, you just have to count down the clock and simply write it off as “self-reflection” — I know, how yogi is that?

My thoughts were in bits. I was waiting on the result of something that at the time, felt like it could change my world. Anyone who knows me, knows I’m not a patient person. I would much rather receive bad news quickly and just deal with it rather than sit around for the possibility of good news.

But sometimes, you can’t get what you want. And that’s just that.

As a result of this uncertainty, my body had decided to go into a full panic mode. Meaning my thoughts had decided to resemble what can only be described as hieroglyphics on crack; a jumble of shapes that might make sense if you have the code to decipher them — which I naturally didn’t. My muscles felt like they had gone through a 10 day intensive training and my digestive system had decided that I was hungry but would refuse to keep anything down.

I sat in my flat, constantly oscillating between positive and negative thoughts. Allowing myself to imagine getting it one second and then giving myself a pep talk if I didn’t. And by the end, I felt like a shell of a person, stuck between two realities, attempting to prepare for both eventualities.

And then my phone buzzed.

The result had come in, the reality was chosen.

“An astounding yes,” he said on the phone, “there was no negative feedback.”

Naturally, like any self-respecting woman, I held my composure, thanked him for the opportunity and the feedback and hung up. Then I proceeded to sit on the floor and bawl like a child that had just been handed a new puppy. In my case, the puppy panicked and licked a layer of my skin off as a result.

Truth of the matter was, I needed this. Even if down the line it doesn’t work out, even if for some reason it’s taken away from me or by some miracle I decide to go down a different path, at this stage, at this time, I truly needed the validation. And I know saying that is absolute sacrilege for a strong independent woman but as a solo entrepreneur, it’s almost impossible to get any sort of validation of this scale that maybe, just maybe, you’re on the right track.

1.5 years ago when I was finishing my masters, I decided to take a leap of faith. I decided to give up my search for a “real job” and focus on starting a business. The decision, in many ways, has been the biggest and possibly the bravest decision of my adult life.

But it has not been without its ups and downs.

Going in, I had no idea what I was really signing up for. What I did know was that I couldn’t find a job that I wanted and one that wanted me. And so I applied the same attitude I use in my dating life, if you can’t find something good enough, go at it on your own.

So I did.

A year and a half later, I have never been so convinced that this is what I was meant to do from the start.

With all of the responsibility, the self-doubt, the long hours, the constant fear of flopping in the most public way possible, the self-doubt, a bit more self-doubt and maybe another pinch of self-doubt and almost everyone getting promoted around me while I still do the same thing, I can honestly say I have never felt as alive as I do when standing in front of a room, pitching about an idea that could, someday, save a few lives and improve a few more.

But on some days, that’s just not enough.

While most entrepreneurs can tell you all about the internal struggles, the fears and the worries and give you an overview of what the ups and downs look like, no one really talks about how much blind faith is needed to carry something like this out, especially in your early twenties.

We, as a race, often take that for granted. We underestimate the power of simply believing that something will work out, purely because we believe it will. And we underestimate how exhausting it is to constantly talk yourself up to believe.

And as rebels, we need to believe. We need to believe and trust that, in the end of the day, things will work out. And if they don’t, that’s not the best. Not because of some higher power, because we will create a better reality.

So here’s to the believers. The hustlers with blind faith. The ones that never give up. The ones that will go the distance.

Here’s to those who will chart a new path. Even if they’re scared shitless everday.

Because we are the future.

Originally published at https://www.onebreathlondon.co.uk on March 22, 2019.